Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
