Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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