so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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