i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
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Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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