the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
