My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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