Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
