I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
