Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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