So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
