: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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