i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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