Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize