guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
