so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
