Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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