She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
