My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
if only i could text you this smell
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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