Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
