No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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