There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
