I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
