I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
