the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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