i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
