Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
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He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
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"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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