The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
