True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
