I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
