It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
