I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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