I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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