my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
