I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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