I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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