I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
