Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
