god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Let's get the cat blown out
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
