another moral hangover. fuck.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
