if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Pants are for mortals
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
