Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
