I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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