6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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