my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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