i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need a beard to bite.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
