At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
cat food counts as protein by the way
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
