She's like a pop up book from hell.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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