i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
