it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
