you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
