I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
