please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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