just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
