my soul wont recognize me after tonight
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
